2012

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that I would see this movie, let alone enjoy it at any lengths. I guess you surprise yourself every day. And for me, I actually did both of the things that I never thought I would. End of the world / disaster films run rampant these days. Just off the top of my head: END OF DAYS, ARMAGEDDON, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, etc. (wow, I had a mental fart there. Aw who cares). They all follow a extremely cookie-cutter story path. Where a hero has to overcome unbelievable odds to survive the circumstances, and along the way he collects other people as well to help them too, they survive and are left in a world of unknowns, etc. Pretty typical. And this movie is no different for the main part, but there are some unique qualities to this film I’d like to ramble on about.

Trailer Here (If you somehow missed it)

I won’t even discuss the plot, as it doesn’t matter. I mentioned earlier exactly what you would see and all end of the world stories divert from that plot timeline but maintain the same underlying story structure. I wonder how/why they casted John Cusack for this role? At the onset he is such an awkward choice. I said to myself, ‘how can I possibly take this guy seriously?’ and therein lies the crux of my answer. This is NOT a serious movie by any stretch of the imagination. I haven’t seen it yet, and probably never will, but there are many times when I’m reminded of the trailer from JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. I imagine the film as an 87 minute extension of that terrible trailer. Way to go Brendon. You really know how to pick them.

If you dare to watch this film, you need to leave reality at the door. I mean COMPLETE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF. In any film you have to have a certain amount of SOD, but with 2012 you need a gaggle full of it. And the film has a true identity crisis. The first 15 minutes are actually done very well. We are immersed in this global problem of how the earth’s core is heating up and the curst is shifting. We jump right on board. But then the film takes a turn when we meet our hero; John Cusack (Jackson – see! I was paying attention.) It then becomes a joke of a film. There are tons of awkwardly hilarious moments from here on out. And I have no problem with a film that serves to be satirical and humorous the whole way, but 2012 definitely had the initial intention of being a dead serious film regarding the end of the world.

I took notes of all the outrageous comedic moments. Here are a few: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s fake filc copy (terribly awful), the moment when the are in supermarket and the dad says something to the effect of “we’re splitting up” and then the floor cracks, Danny Glover as the President and his line “the end of the world as we know it (I guess that was the first sign that this film is going to be over the top and stupid-funny about it), the terrible CG shot from above when Jackson takes off in the limo from the house (looks like GTA 2 for the Dreamcast), the flying train during the LA disaster scene, Charlie the crazy prophet (probably the only truly humorous moments that worked – and the old ladies that crashed into the rock wall. Haha), when the father was crying on the phone with his son – unbelievable for me. So there are a few. There are many more, but I don’t care anymore.

And never try to watch this film late at night if someone is trying to sleep in another room. The audio engineer on this film put the bass at such incredible levels throughout the whole film that it became overbearing. Even for a guy like me that has his surround sound bass level at 10, it was a bit much. I had to crank it down to keep my sanity. Water floods over the mountains = insane bass, LA falls into the ocean = insane bass, airplanes crash land = insane bass, John Cusack closes a book = insane bass (you get the idea). Watch out for the moment when the arcs come to life – probably the most amazing bass in the film. It literally scared me, and I had the volume down!

The 3rd Act = what an incredible mess. It was awful!!! We all understand the basic template these types of action films follow. Whether it’s an end of the world film or whatever – they have to accomplish something in order to “save the day.” Here it was un-jamming the hydraulics and starting the engines before the arc crashed into a mountain. They even did the worst and most commonly used device ever – the countdown! How many times have we seen this? A million times probably. Having a running clock or countdown before something terrible happens that kills everyone. Off the top of my head: SPEED, SPEED 2 – CRUISE CONTROL, 88 MINUTES (all in the title = terrible), any DIE HARD film, etc. It’s so overused and cheesy and makes the audience out to be tards. Do you really need that visual countdown to doom to keep the sense of urgency alive in the viewers? I guess so, and that’s sad. The 3rd act is full of random mini missions that are clearly just thrown together, sloppy cuts, overly claustrophobic scenes, insincere relationship wrap-ups, and a ridiculous final shot of what is left of the world. (That’s all I’m going to rant and rave about for right now.)

This movie should be 90-minutes long. Why it has a runtime of 2hr 37min is beyond me. The first 15 minutes before the title screen really excited me, because it had a very fresh and serious/good vibe to it. As soon as Danny Glover delivered that terribly cheesy line about how this is the end of the world as we know it, I knew the film was doomed. And I was right on track. Charlie the crazy guy, played by Woody Harrelson, was the only slightly redeeming feature of this film. That and the un-intentionally humorous tone throughout. Don’t start one way and then do a 180 after the title screen. Bad writers. If you HAVE to watch it, watch it on a nice big screen in blu-ray. You’ll get caught up in the visuals, which aren’t that awful…all the time anyways.

Rating: 6/10